Final Fantasy VII Randomness (Eng)
by Rhape
Summary: Aerith has created a powerful materia called Love Materia that makes people fall in love with others regardless of their age or gender, which results in something disastrous: that Sephiroth is in love with Cloud, Aerith in love with Tifa; Nanaki is irrelevant, and Deepground wants to dominate the world.


**Hi! This is a translation of a story I wrote years ago. The story currently has more than 12 chapters, so I will try to translate periodically if I see you like it :D**

 **And please keep in mind that English is not my native language, I did my best to translate this. Enjoy!**

Warnings: Random humor. Get serious sometimes. Yaoi, Yuri. Ooc.

* * *

"Hello?" Said Tifa picking up the phone.

"Hello! I'm calling the pizza shop?"

"No. I'm sorry. Wrong number" She answered with a softly and slightly indulgent smile.

"Understood. I want five orders of pizza: one of peperoni, another of anchovies without peperoni..."

"Huh?! Hey! Sir, I already told you that this isn't a pizza shop. It's a Bar..."

"... and then removes the cheese, because, you know, I'm lactose intolerant. The third pizza needs to be a hawaiian..."

"Sir, can you hear me?"

"... then removes the tomato and leaves only the cheese and the dough..."

"Hey! This is not a pizzeria!" She exclaimed, beginning to be angry.

"And then bring them to me in the Happy Meal Hello Kitty edition"

"What kind of mental retardation you have!? This isn't McDonalds either!

"Excuse me, miss." Said the person on the other side of the telephone, apparently offended. "That's not the way to talk to a customer! I will sue you!"

"Well, if you sue me, I'm going to break your pen-...! Wait a minute. I know that voice! Reno!" Tifa screamed furiously.

"Huh... No, I'm not Reno! I don't know anyone called Reno! I'm not even making a telephone joke because I'm bored...!"

"Clooooooud" Shouted the girl still holding the phone.

"Don't bother me, Tifa!" Replied the blond reluctantly while watching football sitting at the bar. "I already cleaned the bathroom, now what do you want from me?"

"Reno is bothering me again on the phone!"

"And you are telling me this because...?"

"Because I want you to calm him down on a very politically correct way"

"Give me money"

"You cannot even do me that insignificant favor?! And I still keep you and all our weird friends..."

"Hello?" Said Reno still on the line "Will someone come to beat me or something? I asked if I have to run away..."

"Don't exaggerate. We are just..." Cloud start counting with his fingers" Yuffie, Barret, Nanaki, Reeve, Caith Sith, and the indigent guy who eats from the garbage..."

"My name is Johnny" Said a voice coming out of nowhere. "And I eat from the garbage because you don't feed me!"

"I don't care about your name..."

"Oh, you know what, Cloud? I don't feeling like arguing with you right now" She said going to the bar's front door, really angry. Tifa was just leaving when she saw the redhead in a phone booth. "Reno!"

"Oh-oh..." Reno hung up the phone and ran faster than Sonic the Hedgehog, but that didn't help because Tifa easily caught him and started to hit. "AAAH! NOOO! DON'T HIT ME IN THE FACE, PLEASE! -

"Let this be a lesson for you to think it twice the next time you want to bother me!"

"HELP! SOMEONE CALL FOR ANIMAL CONTROL!" Reno was still shouting.

After a five painful minutes Tifa finished hitting him, clapping her hands satisfied and significally calmer.

"Oh, my organs..."

"Oh Reno, forvige me!" Tifa said with watery eyes "I didn't mean to hurt you that much!" Se took out her purse. "Take 10 gil and go to a hospital to get cured" She threw them on him.

"What if you just use Cure on me?" He asked weakly.

"I'm not going to waste my MP with you" She replied with a scowl and went back to the bar.

"Well, at least she left money"

The indigent guy who eats from the garbage steals the 10 gils.

"God dammit…"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Everything was absolutely quiet at the Shin-Ra mansion in Nibelheim. Peace reigned in every corner of the house, until ...

"Vincent" someone shouted as they beat the door of the mansion insistently. It was ten minutes until Vincent decided to open it.

"Stop already!" He shouted and opened the door. "What do you want, Yuffie?"

"I'm sorry to have to risen you from your grave, my dear friend, but I came to sell you scout girls cookies!"

"Scout girls cookies?" Vincent asked in surprise. "Why are you selling that?"

"To buy Materia" She smiled like a good girl.

"Why don't you steal them?"

"The police have been watching me lately..."

"If I'll buy you cookies, would you let me in peace?"

"Huh... No"

Vincent slammed the door, knocking Yuffie's nose.

"Ouch!... That hurt!" She complained, rubbing her face. Yuffie shook her head and then continued. "All right! I'll leave you alone if you want!"

"How much they cost?" He asked, opening the door again.

"300 gil per box"

"300 gil?! Are you crazy or something?!"

"Nooooo! That's the cost of the Materia! -

"Wait. If you have no money for Materia, where in hell did you get that cookies?"

"I found them in Marlene's room! She's like Dora; an explorer!"

"Then I will not buy you anything..."

"Then I will not stop bothering you." She smiled defiantly.

"Then I'll introduce you to Cerberus," He said, pulling out a pistol and directing it to Yuffie right in the forehead, threatening to fire.

"Then I was about to leaving!" As she ran, the cookies fell on the floor.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Awww Tifa!"

"What's the matter, Marlene? Why are you crying?" She smiled at her tenderly, crouching down to meet Marlene's height.

"Someone stole my cookies, and they were so many! I'll not be able to get the golden scout's medal for most cookies sold anymore!"

"Don't worry about that, honey" She caressing her head. "You can still win some of the other two medals, just sell the cookies you have left"

"I have one box..."

"Oh look! Sell it to Cloud. Surely he will buy it!"

"Okay"

Marlene went to were Cloud was.

"Uncle Cloud, can you buy me this box of cookies?" She said putting her more angelic face.

"Oh. I'm sorry, Marlene. You know I don't like sweet things"

"Bu-but ... snif ... snif ... -

"Hey! Don't cry!"

"So, will you buy me the box?"

"But I don't have money…"

"Buy me the box, I tell you!"

"Hey, little girl! You don't give me orders. I'm older than you and... " Marlene kicks him. "Ouch, ouch, ouch!"

"I'm going to tell my dad that you're threatening me with hit me!"

"But I didn't do anything to you!"

"Daaaad! Uncle Cloud wants to hit me!"

"Marlene, look!" He take out a Materia of his pants. The girl was hypnotized. "Do you want this?"

"Yes, Yes!" She said while jumping.

"Get it!" He threw the Materia out the window and Marlene ran after it.

"Cloud! I told you no to give Materia to Marlene!" Tifa scolded, putting a hand on her waist.

"It was a Cure. She will not harm anyone with that"

Then they heard people screaming, siren firefighters, and cars crashing into trash cans with cats.

"What did you say, Cloud...? -

"Damn" He murmured, his eyes half-closed.

"I'm fine!" Marlene shouted from the outside.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Hahaha. My plan to make Cloud fall in love with me will start now" Said Aerith hiding behind a fence outside the bar.

"Miss, why are you talking to yourself?" Asked a street child.

"Shut up, boy! Don't bother me!"

"Miss, at least you have some gil to give me?"

"Take 5 gil and get out of here." She spread the money, frowning, not looking at him.

"Thank you! Hey ... And how do you plan to make that Cloud fall in love with you?" He asked curiously.

"Ugh! You are very curios one. But I'll tell you anyway because I'm good girl and in that way the readers don't need to wait until the next chapter... Do you see this?" From her jacket she pulled out a Pink Materia. "This is a Love Materia. I created it. This beauty can make people fall in love with whoever person, with which I will use it with my Cloud. HAHAHAHA" Aerith raised a fist in a triumphant way to the sky while laughing like maniac.

"You scared me..." Said the boy and left her.


End file.
